THIS RECAP WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR INFINITY WAR [OBVIOUSLY] (BUT NOT FOR ENDGAME).

As someone with an indifference towards the marvel universe, I’m still going to go to watch the Endgame at some point as it’s kind of a big deal. Therefore, one decided to recap what happens in the prequel for your entertainment. There are lots of story lines, so I will colour code them. They aren’t all in order due to the back and forthing.

The whole of the film is basically a massive easter egg hunt where Thanos wants six stones for the world’s most deadly fashion accessory. It’s a long film, but the best scene is after the credits

We start our long adventure with Skeletor giving a lecture as he turns the dead people into children of Thanos. Loki gets killed by Thanos as it turns out his cube is a stone. This is nice of Loki as he saves his brother Chris Hemsworth who cut off his hair and wears an eyepatch now.

He already has one, but I don’t know where from. I guess he wants a new fashion accessory. Thanos kills Loki as he doesn’t like cheesy pre-combat lines.

Hulk, who is no longer played by Tyler Durden in fight club, gets into a generic fight scene (#1) with Thanos, loses and is zipped away to where Sherlock Holmes is. Thor’s ship ends up more like the titanic as Thanos destroys it.

Q: Where did he get the purple stone from?

A: Starman found it in another film and Thanos got it in another film.

Elsewhere, Iron Man, played by the movie Sherlock, is flirting with his fiance and discussing his heart transplant. He sees BBC Sherlock (Mr Strange) and Not Tyler Durden (Hulk) who discuss that Thanos is a bad guy (#1). They talk about Robocop’s yellow head stone, and let us know that Iron Man has had a tantrum with Captain America.

Q: Why isn’t Iron Man talking to Cptn America?

A: Cap’s boyfriend killed Iron Man’s parents and they have political differences.

In other news, Sherlock has the green stone and skeletor wants it. There is a generic fight scene as we learn that Sherlock’s power is orange handcuffs. Spiderman has goosebumps which he learnt from taking on batman. Skeletor is back with a baby Thanos. They have a fight
[GENERIC FIGHT SCENE #2]

Not Edward Norton can’t become the Hulk and looks like he is in The Mask as he talks to himself. Meanwhile, the others kill Baby Thanos and Skeletor leaves with Sherlock on a spaceship. Spiderman taken to space, don’t feel so good. Iron man gets new suit. The wife has a go at Tony as he went to space for the greater good. But she is his greater good.

Spidey, Iron man and the magic cape (Also seen in Harry Potter as the invisibility cloak) find one another. They save Sherlock from acupuncture and kill Skeletor. There is some exposition before they take the fight to Thanos as they are stuck in space.

Q: Why doesn’t Sherlock make a portal to get them to earth?

A: …

The movie tells us we’re in space with groovy music. Andy from Parks & Recreation, a rodent who shall be called Mouserat, The Thing, Green (from Avatar), a little tree (who says his name like a Pokemon) and antennae girl. They find Pirate Thor. Green explains that Thanos is a bad guy (#2) wants to kill everyone with a snap of his fingers. Andy and Thor argue. Andy, Antennae, Green and The thing go to a planet called Nowhere to find the red stone (In the funniest joke names since Who’s on first).

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Green has a Flashback to her home planet. Thanos goes to little green and makes her look at toy dagger as he kills half of her planet. What a sweetheart

In the here and now, Green goes all Maze Runner and says “Please kill me if Thanos gets me.”. Andy and green girl kiss, meaning he’s over Anne Perkins. He gets stabbed by green. Conveniently he’s not stabbed as he already has red stone (3/6). Thanos grabs Green. After 525,600 minutes, Andy shoots her, but it’s a bubble gun as Thanos uses his stone to mug Andy off.

Thanos and Green talk daddy issues. Green knows where the Soul Stone is and tells Thanos, as her Robot sister (?) is being tortured. Thanos goes to get the soul stone from Darth Maul’s planet. Maul says he needs to sacrifice someone he loves. “You love nobody” says green. “Nah , I loved you.” says Thanos. She stabs him, but he uses the bubble trick and kills Green. He gets the orange stone and has 4/6.

Mouserat, Thor and Baby Tree chat about killing Thanos (#3) and about Thor feeling sad. By now, you are meant to know Thanos is not popular. Mouserat gives Thor a new eye. Thor gets a new eye. Tyrian Lannister is now 30 foot tall makes Thor a new axe.

Elsewhere a supercomputer with a stone in his head is in a robosexual relationship with a formerly Russian woman who has odd powers from the same stone. This superpower robotic inbreeding is highly encouraged like it’s a Guillemo Del Torro film. They are ambushed outside a Scottish pub and generic fight scene #3 ensues. Birdman, Scarlett Johanssen and Captain America come and save the day

Cap and squad meet the Defense Secretary. Hulk and Scarlett want to hook up as she has a fetish for angry green men. Hulk doesn’t have a clue what is going on (I finally empaphise with a character). Stone head tells his girlfriend to destroy the stone in his head, she gets upset and someone says “Let’s go to Wakanda”.

Spiderman Sherlock and Sherlock’s ship crashes on a planet and has generic fight scene #4 with Andy, Cockroach and the thing. They use the “It was a simple misunderstanding” trope. They come up with a plan, but don’t co-operate and it’s meant to be funny.

Sherlock looked at 14,000,605 futures and they win 1. These are not great odds as there is a 0.000000714% chance of winning. According to rent, if he spent 60 seconds describing each one, it would take 28 years or an ambiguous amount of love.

Thanos arrives and Generic Fight Scene #5 happens as they try to steal the glove. Andy finds out Thanos killed Green who he had a thing for. Andy stops the plan by punching Thanos into reality. Sherlock saves Iron Man by giving away the stone in his Necklace and Thanos has 5/6 stones. Dr Strange says we’re in the Endgame now… [Roll Credits].

In Wakanda, Black Panther, Michonne award Captain America’s boy friend a Peter Pettigrew arm.

Captain America’s squad land in Wakanda, he see’s Peter Pettigrew and it turns out the girl from Black Mirror can save Stone head. Aliens invade Wakanda, lead by a third Thanos daughter agrees to help (Thanos seems to have more children than Madonna). Generic Fight Scene #6 is the biggest one yet.

The girl from Black Mirror doesn’t have enough time to take the stone from Stone Head. He begs her to kill him. She she kills him with an emotional violin ensemble signifying her robot fetish will continue no more. Thanos gets to them too late, but conveniently turns back time, takes the stone and kills Stone Head again, and then he has all six stones.

Thor tries to axe Thanos, but fails. Thanos clicks his fingers, has a Lion King head moment. Brakes his glove and leaves… And half of the universe dies.

BOOM PETER PETTIGREW GOES! BLACK PANTHER? NOT ANY MORE!!! TREE POKEMON… BURNT TO ASHES. ROBOSEXUAL GIRL, STRAIGHT OUTTA HERE, BIRDMAN, ANTENNAE WOMAN, ANDY, SHERLOCK: GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE

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And when you think its over, bye-bye Spidey. Two and a half hours well spent.

Roll Credits

But wait, after the credits there is another scene. The pirate dies and Robin from HIMYM leaves Ted to be a widow for the second time. A deserved fate after the awful finale.

End Scene