Note before I start: Yes, I know these pop culture references are already out of fashion. This post takes a long time to write… okay…

It’s time to parody songs. It’s time to write the lines. It’s time to see some new films in the ASBO awards tonight.

It’s time to come up with hosts. It’s time to write the noms. It’s time to get things started on the most sensational, aspirational, celebrational

This is what we call the ASBO show……

Here we are. Back after another year, and boy do we have some exciting movies, 52 to discuss it turns out, so let’s get on with it. Any film released in the UK in the last year is elegible for an ASBO in a given category as long as it isn’t nominated for an Oscar in the same one. If it is nominated in another category however, it is allowed to be ASBO nominated in the first category. Please welcome your hosts Paddington Bear and Gary Lineker

P: Yes, welcome everybody. Aunt Lucy will be so happy to see I’m hosting again.

G: Indeed, boy do we have some great films to see tonight.

P: Mr Lineker, can I ask you a quick question? Why aren’t you presenting Match of the Day

G: Well, turns out I had a free Saturday and the Asbos gave me a better offer. I do this for free and I get to tweet what I want about refugees.

P: Oh, but The Daily Mail won’t be happy if they find out you got another presenting gig.

G: It’s fine. Nobody reads this blog anyway. Onto the first award. I said you couldn’t write Leicester’s Premier League win in the 2015/16 season. These fine nominees could. Here is best adapted screenplay.

The four films here all did incredible jobs of bringing stories to life. After Yang made up believe in a futuristic robot family. Wheel of Fortune and Fantasy took us through three short stories about the human connection. Pinocchio told a story as old as time itself. However, the first ASBO of the night has to go to The Quiet Girl. This film was a beautiful story about the connection between a girl and her adoptive summer family. While a reserved movie, the lines really brought out characters in a brilliantly emotional way.

P: Oh Mr Lineker, I do like Animation. These nominees are both incredible examples of how animation can bring stories to life

Despite the Oscars doing a good job at nominating the better animated films this year (Damn them for making this post tougher), there were still two exceptional films in the animated category. While Anne Frank was an informative, creative story for children to learn about a historical figure, Entergalactic was a ninety minute music video from Kid Cudi showing romance in New York city. With its Spiderverse-esque style and great tone, Entergalactic wins the ASBO.

Every single film here looked stunning. Aftersun’s home movie footage had a legitimacy where you truly believed what you were watching. EO made you empathise with a donkey. However, with an impressive array of shots to make Paris almost seem like a warzone, the best cinematography this year undoubtedly came from Athena. Just watch this scene and tell me otherwise

What exactly is a director? Well, they put everything together and all four of these directors were central towards making a great movie. Charlotte Wells on no budget, Park Chan Wook seemlessly blending between genres, Jerzy managing six different donkeys and Jaffer Panahi making a movie without being there. Panahi’s story is really fascinating. Banned by his home country from making movies, he’s had to put together No Bears with fear of punishment and without getting caught doing so. Despite this, he still put together a fantasically complex movie. Therefore, Jafer Panahi wins the ASBO. Congrats Jafar

The four nominated documentaries were all strong entries from masters of their trade. The Territory told an urgent story about Amazon deforestation from an objective and interesting viewpoint. My Old School is one of the weirdest true crime dramas around which remains low stakes but deeply personal. A Bunch of Amateurs is a film about a group of old men who look to keep their cinema club alive, yet provides a deep look into each of their lives. However, the best doc asbo has to go to Children of the Mist, a film about forced marriages in a remote mountain community. It reveals the layers of a family dynamic in a nuanced way, while looking at a shocking subject manner. A brilliantly emotive film. Congratulations on your ASBO.

This is the 30 seconds of the year where I claim to know about hair and make up, so let’s get this out the way. Bones and All showed a brilliant weirdness. Northman and Triangle showing a rugged desperation while Nitram uses its make up to show somebody who has given up. Joyland is glamorous, however the hair and make up in Burundi film Neptune Frost means I can’t really give this award to anyone else. I watched the film and still don’t know what happened. Here’s a clip. Congratulations on your first ASBO Burundi

Sometimes, one film dominates a field so I won’t go into other nominations. This time, Aftersun wins best editing. It’s incredible and put together so smoothly. The Under Pressure scene (which contains thematic spoilers) shows the editing at its best

Time for something else I don’t know about, clothes. People wear them in films. In Neptune Frost someone wears a hat with five bike tyres. What does this mean? Everyone is looking on fleek (I’ll never say that again). The Woman King wins it, why not.

Here we go, what a set of movies. Great Freedom, an incredible Shawshank-esque tale of post WWII Germany. Joyland, a forbidden love story about a man and a trans women in Pakistan. You Resemble Me, a film about the worlds first female suicide bomber done with a real suave. Playground, a simple story about a girl dealing with her older brother being bullied. Onoda, a war epic where there is no war happening. However, Park Chan Wook’s seductive mystery thriller Decision To Leave was one of the best of the genre, bringing out a noir Hitchcock feel. This is cinema at its best. Shame on the Oscars for totally snubbing this masterpiece. Oh well, my gain.

A brilliant set here again. I mentioned the bottom 3 in the last category. Broker is a fun, exciting film about the values of family which turns up the charm. Bodies is a film which will divide, but remains an entertaining and sharp satire murder mystery, much more so than Glass Onion. However, the winner of its second ASBO of the night has to be Aftersun. Meticulously thought through, the natural style of dialogue feels like one you’d hear on any family holiday. The humanity breezes through effortlessly thanks to an incredible piece of writing.

Production Deisgn is “Do the buildings look cool?” From the helplessness of Nitram to the expansive world of The Batman to the utopian feeling The Woman King, these films have taken us all into different worlds. However, the ASBO winner for this category has to be The Northman for its incredibly eerie scenery.

The soundtracks of all five of these films are fantastic. From Athena’s operatic calm against the chaos to Casablanca’s rap soundtrack, After Yang provides a futuristic scifi fantasy, A shout out to the simple charming Pinocchio with a whimsical soundtrack inkeeping with its theme and visuals. However, with a huge blockbuster soundtrack, brooding and epic, my choice for the ASBO is The Batman

For Best Original Song (an award I never really care about) I originally assumed Naatu Naatu wouldn’t get nominated so would win (Damn Oscars). Anywhow, I’ve got two nominees. Pinocchio’s Ciao Papa is the emotional heartbeat of the film, while Binary Stars really brings out the tone of its own. I love a weird song and don’t really care too much, so the ASBO goes to Binary Stars – Neptune Frost. What does this song sound like you ask? Well…

Sound is what seperates film from the Stone Ages, according to Babylon, which while self indulgent sounded great. Nope was crazy and sounded epic. Meanwhile, my choice for its incredible under water moments and feeling of claustrophobia as a result is the true story drama Thirteen Lives, a strong film about the Thai cave rescue of a few years ago.

Nope’s spaceship enemy looked epic and the chaotic scenes were very well made. EEAAO, which has been missing from the ASBOs due to its Oscar success, had ridiculous practical effects throughout. However, in RRR the guy fought a lion and set a zoo on the british royals. If I set a tiger on Charles, I get arrested for treason, while RRR only gets an ASBO. Congrats RRR. Its stupid, but I don’t care. My blog, my rules.

G: Now on to the acting awards. These actors all provided such good performances they make Neymar’s dives look embarrassing in comparison. Not that it takes much.

Each of these women gave a brilliant performance. Whether it was Women Talking through their trauma or a girl finding themself in Finland. A mad woman with whom a future criminal finds solace, or a love interest. However, the top two here are both characters who really bring the themes of their films to the surface. Rasti Farooq was the wife left behind. Stuck in a patriachal society, she is forced to give up her dreams and her husband for what? However, the winner is Dolly De Leon – Triangle of Sadness. While ToS wasn’t my favourite film, Dolly was great, first as the cleaner then the leader of the island in the third act. She owned the place and her final scene was a masterclass in acting without words.

When I watched EEAAO, I assumed this small indie film would be forgotten by oscar time and that Ke Huy Quan would be an ASBO shoe in. Well, I got that wrong. The actors here all play great roles in their firlms from horrible creepy characters to characters of empathy. However, I’ll have to give this award to Gang Dong-Won whos dignified and understated presence in Broker really brought the film together neatly.

From a serial killer to a soldier who lived on an island fighting a non existent war for decades, is there anything these actors can’t do (apart from get Oscar Nominated) Kanji Tsuda, Caleb Landry, Alex Skarsgard and Mehdi Bajestani showed the descent into Madness in different ways, while Darin and Park fought for justice. Debutant Eden Dambrine put in a performance way beyond a debut level as a guilt ridden child in Close. However, the saddest, most vulnerable emotional performance of the year came from this year’s Asbo winner Franz Rogowski – Great Freedom. Playing a gay prisoner in post war Germany moved from a concentration camp to a prison over the course of three decades, we see a man stuck in a rut, unable to live his own life with tragedy around him. It’s a fantastic film, and he leads it well. Congratulations on your Asbo Franz

We actually watched Till, so will nominate Danielle Deadwyler for an Asbo. Likewise, the underseen Silent Twins and Emily both had strong lead performances. Blue Jean and Happening were raw pieces of solid human cinema, while Aftersun was just perfection, in part thanks to a good performance from Frankie Corio. However, murdering and seductive, this award will go to Tang Wei – Decision to Leave who convincingly turned one of the best noir crime films into one f the best romance films of the year. Well done Tang, you were phenomenal

P: And now for a big award. I’m very excited Mr Lineker

G: Me too Paddington. And the nominees for best picture are

What a brilliant set of eight movies. Each one of these from across the world tell a different, heartfelt story. Picking one winner is difficult. EO made me cry over a donkey while Great Freedom and Joyland showed aching stories of forbidden love. The Batman was a cinematic spectacle showing that superhero movies can be special still, while Playground, Aftersun and Broker showed brilliant and contrasting definitions of family relationships. Decision to Leave was a film made for me. A romantic noir much like the golden 1950’s, straight out of a Hitchcock playbook with beautiful shots and liquid tight writing.

However, the ASBO for Best Picture goes to… Aftersun, for its incredible depiction of family, depression and memories of a summer no longer here. Each element of this film was beautifully thought through and painstakingly put together, ending with the best cinema scene of the year. It’s on Mubi and took a couple of watches for me to love it, but now I can’t recommend it enough.

P: So is that all the awards done Mr Lineker?

G: Well, no it isn’t Paddington. Like Portsmouth on Match of the Day, there always has to be one last vital fixture

P: But Mr Lineker, Portsmouth haven’t been on Match of the Day for years. Don’t you mean Sou-

QUICKLY MOVING ON TO THE NOMINEES FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT AWARD OF THE DAY! BEST DONKEY

G: Yes, this year there have been lots of great on screen donkeys which have captures our hearts and minds, from those on deserted islands, sitting on the Irish coast, working in China or watching a football match in Poland. These four donkeys have done it all. Here are the nominees for Best Donkey.

Triangle of Sadness killed its donkey without even a moment on screen. Rubbish movie. Return to Dust was about a couple with a farm trying to live their lives freely in China. The donkey there was a loyal steed, what you want from a donkey. Eo was a Polish Stallion which wondered across the land looking for food and seeing the best and worst of humanity. They were wonderful, I loved that damn donkey. However, for her comedic prowess and emotional moments, I have to give the most important ASBO of the night to Jenny the Donkey – Banshees of Inisherin.

Congratulations on the most important award Jenny. Good night. See you all next year.