When cinemas re-opened I offered a truce, a ceasefire against those with little etiquette. Consider it to be a good will gesture when an influencer as big as the third best film blog writer in South West London says they will not shame you. However, that time of peace is now over and therefore I must berate the audience in Screen 10 of Odeon Wimbledon with whom I “watched” the movie Godzilla vs Kong, apart from Liam. Liam, if you’re reading this, your cinema etiquette was exemplary.

If you go to a film which starts at 18:30, you should aim to get there at 18:30, not 18:45, not 18:45 and think oh I’ll get some crap to put in my mouth and be in at 18:55 when the movie has already started. I understand the way these things work. Sometimes, you have a delay or something you need to sort and can be a little bit late, but if you’re late don’t buy that shite as well, just come in (not using your phone light) and find a seat near the entrance you can sit in without disturbing others. I’ve occasionally ended up in a screening a couple of minutes late and snuck in with no qualms, but screen 10, no you need to chat, change seats multiple times, turn on your phone lights.

It is a cinema. Firstly, it’s not a restaurant. You do not need popcorn or nachos or anything else which smells and sounds awful. If you’re over 5 year old, grow up. Some people reading this may think this is aimed at them. If you are offended, maybe Surbiton Rebel Wilson Fan Club is more your speed. Secondly, it’s not a social club. You do not need to chat about anything while there is a film. The family behind me were constantly switching seats with one another and gossiping when not guzzling (or using pneumatic drills, I wasn’t sure which). If your child is uncomfortable, or bored, take them to a kids film, not a grown up film.

If your child drops something, do not turn on your phone light to find the object. You can wait 40 minutes without disturbing anyone. It’s not and you’re not going anywhere. Am I harsh for berating people who are not up to my level of etiquette? No, because their behaviour has negative externalities and if the film wasn’t a load of rubbish it could have diminished my enjoyment of the film. Oh yeah, there was a film.

There was something which looks like a plot, in the same way I look like a functioning person. Godzilla, who apparently at this point is usually friends with humans, “randomly attacks a lab”. Oh no, Godzilla only attacks threats, I wonder why he’s attacking a lab. Some humans bring out King Kong to help beat him. Apparently, Kong gets on well with this deaf child who can sign. You will never guess how they communicate in the end. Any, Godzilla and Kong fight, before something wholly predictable happens and the film ends. See, I didn’t spoil it for you, but after the first 15 minutes I could have told you the whole plot.

I know that I shouldn’t be judging this film based on it’s plot, but I really didn’t care about it’s characters. There are three sets of characters, the ones with Kong who are your classic boring allies of the creature, with maybe a secret bad guy. You have the investigators who are there for comic relief or to make a discovery. I’ll assume its the latter as they aren’t especially comic. You also have the villains who are villainous and yeah, whatever there is no character to care about. The dialogue is just as dull as the characters and there is the problem. Frankly my dear, I didn’t give a damn.

They have big CGI for the monkey and the tortoise, but the tortoise looked silly. They are then in big “impressive fights” in Hong Kong. Somehow though, these fights are so dull and don’t feel big at all. There are all from far out and show no human impact of destruction, so it could literally be my nan’s tortoise in a fight in a model village and I wouldn’t know the difference.

A shout out for deaf representation by the way. Except that the deaf thing is a trope used a hundred times for the plot. It was so refreshing to see Sound of Metal show some authenticity, but instead they use the character as person can communicate with animal using hands. It didn’t take much imagination and summed up the whole film, lazy. It felt just like Planet of the Apes and nowhere near the level of Shape of Water.

Summary

A messy excuse of a plot, nothing new, cliched and generally boring. If you want a dull unexciting sort of thing you’ve seen before then you will love Godzilla vs Kong. If you want an entertaining movie, stay away. [Grade: D]